one of the greatest lessons I have learned in motherhood is that it’s more about me and my mindsets than it is about my kids. your children often reflect back on what you have yet to resolve within yourself.
I do absolutely do not mean that to contain a trace of shame or blame —what I mean is that motherhood has been the greatest gift but also one of the most difficult seasons I have walked through. my babies have shown me that I carry trauma responses, generational ties, stress, negative self-talk — the list goes on. motherhood had a way of bringing me to my knees and realizing that I CANNOT (& SHOULD NOT) do this thing alone. I have chosen to not just ignore these responses and thoughts but instead defeat them + change — not only for my sake but for the generations that will come from me. I plan to share a few things that have helped me in the journey in hopes it encourages you to get the help you may need. motherhood is a gift to be received rather than resisted.
a little backstory — my mother died when I was eighteen of alcoholism. being raised in an alcoholic home left me with a lot of confusion + trauma. I encountered Jesus later that same year and He met me in those places and even gave me another mama, Lyn, who mothered me + cared for me as no one else had. a few years later - I went on to get married + start having babies. the day that I found out I was pregnant with my first was the last day I talked with Lyn - as she was in hospice care on her death bed from cancer. I share all of this just so you have more of an understanding of how I entered into motherhood.
with grief + mourning in my midst.
but surrounded by life at the same time.
joy + grief colliding.
my mental health was not something I had taken care of — to say the least. I had a tendency to avoid + suppress my emotions because it was always ‘easier’ to just run from things.
PSA: it’s not easier. that is a lie. dressed in a pretty bow. running from things and avoiding them is like breaking an arm and saying that it’s too inconvenient to go to a doctor + get a cast + heal over time — that you’d rather not deal with it and just have an arm that hangs crooked + doesn’t work well. No. you would not do that with your arm. you would go get a cast on that arm. it’s the same for mental health.
so the story goes like this — I had my first son, Cedar, and I had NO idea what I was doing. none. and what made me feel worse was that I didn’t know who to talk to. and we were planning on going back to Cambodia with him when he was three months old where I would spend most of my time alone. AND THEN I got pregnant again nine months postpartum and we decided to move back to the states.
so new baby, pregnant with second, leaving our jobs to transition home, no idea what we were going to do, covid happens and I felt like I had hit the bottom. my mental health was not in the best place and I knew I had to decide to get help. I want you to keep in mind that motherhood + mental health feels like a topic that is not discussed enough.
usually, it is a funny smirk from the doctor asking you if “you’ve got the baby blues” at your postpartum follow-up appointment and then never discussed again. let’s be real — the entire postpartum experience and care within the medical world are not the best.
All of that to say, if you are struggling with any mental health issues — in pregnancy, postpartum, motherhood, or just in life — you are seen, heard, and not alone.
here are the things that I struggle(d) with as I became a mother.
depression + isolation
anxiety
rage / anger
a few of the core beliefs I carried were:
“I am not a good enough mother.” "I feel so lonely." "I can't do this." "I have no idea what I am doing." "what if a....bad thing happens." "I am so angry." "I can't handle all the screaming." "I am a horrible mom." "I am a failure." "I just want to quit."
I constantly had these waves of judgment over myself and that would cause extreme guilt + shame and put me right back into that cycle of hating myself and who I was as a mother. I want you to understand that a lot of these things are reasonable - you are not crazy. you just need some help in this season and that is amazing. our neediness is strength. I share this because I want you to know that you are not alone. motherhood is hard — but you are more than enough.
if anything I have shared has resonated with you, here are the things that have helped me overcome.
Therapy. find yourself a counselor who you can trust + love talking to. It may take a couple of different people but you will know when you find the right one. also consider looking into inner healing ministries. I can’t vouch for all of them but found one locally that has changed how I think about these things in regards to faith.
STOP JUDGING YOURSELF. you are not a judge. stop shaming yourself. you are doing the BEST you can do + we all have areas that need growth. instead of judging simply observe your thoughts + actions. write them down so that you can figure out what is triggering your responses - but my friend, do not carry shame. shame has no place.
take some time (even just five minutes) to yourself. to do whatever you want. reading, podcast, journal, get dressed for the day, make your bed, drink your coffee, waking up early. one way I do this is by setting a timer for my kids and putting them in a safe spot for a few minutes after breakfast so that I can do these things.
find some resources that fuel + encourage you. I will share some of mine + link their accounts.
do things that give you joy and do not be afraid to take your kids along — even if it’s more challenging. go for that long walk near that park, or find another mama you can schedule weekly play dates with, hire a babysitter to watch the kiddos while you have some me-time or communicate to your spouse about him taking the kiddos for a morning. it is ALWAYS worth it. you just have to be willing to do the things you need. your needs matter too. you matter.
the last and most important thing that has helped me through these last few, seasons is Jesus. I am talking about encountering Him in the darkest places of my mind + heart. the most amazing thing is He is not a God of distance — He is a God that draws us near to His heart, puts us into His arms, and offers compassion + love. He hears ours cries + knows our hearts. my best advice is to turn to Him in this season — even if it looks like ugly crying on your bed at midnight — He is right there with you wiping every tear.
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